What About Now?

Lately, a brief update.

=.= i shall get to the point which is.. I Cannot Concentrate In Class Anymore.

For God knows why..i really do not know how come i totally cant pay any attention in class. This is really really a big nuisance. I get into class, i sit, gone! My mine wonders off and i totally cant catch a thing thats been taught. SIGH...easily distracted lately. Too much to think lately. Like it has been said, im the epitome of laziness. But lately i think i got myself into a new category of epitome. Epitome of stress. Yeah, dog gone tired plus stress everyday. Doesn't contribute the slightest to a good performance in my studies neither does it in my "other" businesses. Reminding myself of the fact before Moral exam i was already saying " once this is over there would be totally no stress". Hell i think it just got worse then before. I guess i got myself into something i avoided for a while. And to think that my strong commitments would be a good thing i guess its acting more of a liability lately causing an extreme-superb emotional distress and mood swings. For those that see me everyday i am pretty sure you guys noticed. I am sometimes the noisiest yet sometimes a bloody lip-sealed monk. Though it happens in such, i really can't help it. It's not like i want to be so you see. I know you guys will just say " its whether you choose to or not cause its all your actions so it can be decided by you". Well, i'd like to think so but sadly it doesn't go that way. I'm a committed person, over committed perhaps. My strength and weakness. More like a weakness lately, i would put on the face which says " don't come near or i'll have you reaped" just because i think too far. Having massive thoughts of how, when, why , who and what. It all just started recently yet i'm already mentally torturing myself every now and then. For those that have received a taste of my emotional blast all of a sudden, for example, kelvin lim. My greatest apologies. Though you totally understand it yet every time i blast you, it's just gotta be so insulting.

Moving on to the next bloody-annoying-yet-i-still-acknowledge great 'prophecies' of mine. I've been gettin these " I feels" a lot. AND its 98% of the time a negative "i feel". Where has the optimistic me gone to. Maybe its more of a afraid-to-be-disappointed intuition. Since i've been hell traumatized in just few months of my life maybe i developed a self-defence mechanism which prevents me from lifting my hopes up high WHICH i freaking hate cause its totally ruining my sense of happiness. I can barely be happy bout anything lately, more cause theres nothing to be happy about lately except the fact i've did what they call "the MAN" thing but deep inside, i guess i know if i deserved it or not. Its not like i've succeeded anything, its just merely a heavy self-comfort from a brain wrecking, time consuming, pursuasive fighting, credit spamming, guts wrecking night. And a MAN does not lose his words when he is not supposed to. He speaks with guts and courage firmly, instead the person you guys think is so MAN did none of those. Neither did he do it in the way he always wanted to, he barely did anything at all. More like he only contributed to DIGI for slamming numbers.

As you can see, the negative-me is typing now. If not there wouldn't be such negative paragraphs of my recent updates. A positive-me would say " theres this small light of hope and i will do my best to lighten up the source of it" but no, the negative-me overwhelms the better side or more like the 'dreamers' side.

Now, im still confused with what i really want. And i think i have found the answer, me, being a person who likes to take on life challenges, have decided to take this challenge. I shall un-shy you, even if i have limited time left maybe. But if i do have my days here numbered then it shall be spent trying my best to make you feel as comfortable as possible around me. I'd had enough of it for four years. It wasn't good back then and neither is it now. Like i always say, help me help you. I can't do everything on myself. No man is an island..therefore i'll be waiting for you turn to grant me the small favour of helping yourself. The reason you're like this now i do not know. Nevertheless, i would still put my best effort and thought in trying to change you. I sound crazy and sudden i know but seeing you lately has reminded me so much of the past years where we were merely just people who communicate using written messages. I'm tired of it honestly and i'd like to have a change now onwards. I know facing me in reality is much of a chore to u..honestly is isn't easy for me either considering the fact i treat you in such back then. Still, im the male here and i do what i'm supposed to. I'd create the door for you. Tell me when you're ready to go through and i'd be there for you no matter how. We might be kids back then, might have been a mistake to you but to me i never thought of it as one. Back then you didn't acknowledge me. What about now? Don't keep running away now, it doesn't help at all to accomplish what i want. Just so you know, i'd take my chances with you. In brief, i'm having the crush i had upon you 4 years ago. No point hiding it any longer, enough people have realised. I'm walking this road which i stumbled upon before. This time i walk with better knowledge of whats around and whatever ending you provide me with i'd still be satisfied. I may not be the same as i was before, i've changed. For good or for worse is up to you to judge. Our history of beginnings may happen but i will not let the history of our endings occur again.

I take upon this path which i will not back down. I can't even if i want to. Cause of my strength and also my weakness. You can run, i'll chase. I wasn't given the chance to before. Now i am able to, i will. On a different note, regarding the sudden appearance at your doorstep, my apologies if i caused much trouble but thanks nonetheless for stepping out. Like i said, i'll un-shy you. Let me do what i couldn't before.

And oh yeah, Yang, thanks for allowing me to spam you credit. At the end of the day you're still the man.
*edited* Since requested and insisted, thanks entirely to Von. It is with your contribution the agent did not turn away.

p/s : i took the path which has the good and bad grass and whatever i see at the turn of the pathway is unknown yet im curious and i have the feeling..whatever it is, it'll help.